6 December 2023

Today marks two years since you abandoned the girl you once promised to marry, the girl you imagined a home and children with. It feels insane how time moves so quickly when the wounds you left behind are still bleeding like they were made yesterday.

Three weeks ago, I had to walk into the psychiatrist ward because I relapsed. again. I ended up with a doctor I used to find frightening because I remembered her scolding other patients. I thought she would scold me too for breaking down again. But to my surprise, she did not. She spoke to me so softly, as if she knew I was already standing at the edge of a blade and that one more inconvenience could push me into ending everything. 

She asked me about you and about us.

"When did you guys break up?" she asked. I chuckled. "Two years ago." Because honestly, who would not laugh at the absurdity of grieving a relationship that died two years back, grieving it so deeply that it almost cost me my life again after all this time?

And to be honest, whenever I bump into you, I feel nothing. Sometimes I even convince myself I have moved on. As if I never stayed awake through the night watching over you when you burned with fever. As if I never looked into your eyes and promised that I would endure even poverty so long as you were by my side. Perhaps I took the role of a wife far too early, didn't I?

I do not feel anything for the version of you that exists now. If anything, I feel disgust, and a hatred that settled in me after the way you mistreated me for years, especially after what happened in May. But fret not, nobody knows about your confession that night. I promised I would defend your name, and I kept that promise, even when it meant letting people blame me. Let them say I was the villain or that I was toxic or whatever stories they needed to sooth themselves. I do not care, because we both know what actually happened.

But you know when it truly hit me? When I bought a cake from my friend, and my first instinct was to text you, "Husna ada beli kek batik. I wanna send you some." For a moment I forgot we have not been together for two years. Maybe it was simply muscle memory, the reflex of a girl who once loved you so gently and so consistently.

And it hit me especially when I bought flowers for my friends. You were the first person I ever bought flowers for because you told me that you wanted them. So I bought them for your birthday, for your special occasions, even just-because flowers. Silly me, because I always wanted flowers too. But you never thought of buying me any, even when I made it clear how much I wanted them. Maybe you did not love me enough to think of me when you walked past a flower shop.

And despite everything I did for you, none of it mattered. Because in the end, you still chose someone else. You chose them over this one stupid girl who walked through hell just to make you feel loved.

I have come to accept that you chose other girls over me. But please, do me this one favour; do not go around telling people that you loved me. Because I never felt loved. Not even once.  

- 6 December 2025